As some of you may know, I recently lost my job at The Death Star. If you’re not familiar with my former employer, it’s a company headquartered in space that floats around the galaxy unleashing dread on everything in its path and crushing the hopes and dreams of all things good and pure.
As you might imagine, being laid off in the middle of a global financial implosion with nothing but vague, indescribable skills and a reference from an evil empire has caused some stress in the old financial department.
While I’ve been able to meet my basic human needs during these tough economic times—mainly by digging through my neighbors’ garbage—I’ve found it necessary to dramatically cut back on my once-decadent entertainment budget. Gone are my evenings at the opera, my Ferrari rides up and down Abbey Road and my Cristal-fueled dance-a-thons at London’s poshest night clubs with Sir Elton John.
This morning, after melting down my old high school cross country medals and selling the remnants on the street, it dawned on me that some of my readers might also be feeling the burdens of pending fiscal ruin. That’s why The Norman Nation is pleased to offer this list of 10 inexpensive things you can do for fun while society as we know it crumbles.
(Note: Most of this list applies only to people living in London within a mile of my house.)
- Lurk in a local bookstore reading adult magazines until being chased away by security.
- Pretend you have a British accent. Example: “Ello, mate. Ring me on my mobile fortnightly and we’ll grab a cheeky pint. Alright then, governor. Fish n’ chips!”
- When French tourists ask for directions, happily point them the wrong way and walk off giggling.
- Verbally assault a member of the Royal Guard until either he cries or you are beaten unconscious.
- Stand directly in front of Big Ben and tell everyone who passes that “geologically speaking” it’s really not that big.
- Watch British television for 15 minutes and then slit your wrists.
- Steal one of the Hyde Park horses and gallop around frantically until being tasered by police.
- On the rare occasion the sun comes out for more than five consecutive minutes, run outside, point directly at it and yell, “Oh my God, what is that?!”
- Walk into any local pub holding a rusty tire iron and a broken beer bottle and politely ask for directions to the nearest soccer riot.
- Weep gently to yourself on a park bench.