We're All Damaged

Friday, March 27, 2009

15 Pieces of Deconstructive Criticism

Most of you know me as Matt Norman: Professional Blog Writer and Vidal Sassoon Model. (It actually says that on my business card.) But what you may not know is that for several years now I’ve been hard at work writing a novel.

Recently, after completing my sixth draft, I sent the book to some friends and colleagues for their thoughts. Much of the feedback so far has been very positive and extremely helpful. Some of it, though, has been . . . well, let’s just say less than constructive.

The following is a list of comments about my book that I’m not exactly sure how to interpret:

  1. Wow, you typed all this? By yourself?

  2. It’s sort of like a movie. You know, one that you see in the video store and you’re like, “Was this ever in the theaters?”

  3. Have you ever thought about going into accounting? Or some kind of, like, business?

  4. This paper is so white. Where did you buy it?

  5. You know that pilot who landed in the Hudson? I heard he just signed a $3 million book deal. You should totally write something like that.

  6. I just wish it had teenaged vampires in it. They’re soooo hot right now.

  7. This is about one or two lesbian-sex scenes short of being border-line readable.

  8. The beginning was good. But then a Dancing With the Stars marathon came on, and, well, you know how that goes.

  9. Dude, you got a master’s degree in this $hit? From where, like, the Internet?

  10. There sure are a lot of semicolons. What do those do again?

  11. I was hoping for something more Grisham-y. Or at least Danielle Steel-y.

  12. I used to write stories when I was eleven. Now I have a job.

  13. Wait, you’re telling me this didn’t really happen? Man, what a tremendous waste of time.

  14. You know Hemingway used to get wasted before he’d write. You should try that. Then again, I guess he did shoot himself, right?

  15. No offense, but reading is kinda for queers. And homos.

Have a great weekend everyone! If you need me, I’ll be here watching Friends on British TV. I just wish Ross and Rachel would get together already. It’s meant to be!

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