We're All Damaged

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Best Best Man Ever

People are always saying to me, "Matt Norman, will you be my best man?" Usually I don't know these people and their requests are being shouted at me as I drive by in my bulletproof Matt Norman Mobile. Several months ago, though, my younger brother Keith asked, and so, of course, I had my personal assistant tell him that I'd be happy to.

To my surprise, I recently discovered that being a Best Man requires more than just shaking hands and having your picture taken with exotic-looking women. Apparently, I'm required by wedding law to deliver a toast in front of a large crowd of people, many of whom I don't even know. And so, as you can imagine, I've spent some time these past few days working on my speech and drinking grain alcohol.

Someone told me once that the key to delivering an awesome toast is coming up with a winning first line. Here are a few that I'm currently considering. Please use the official Comments function to let me know which one you prefer or to tell me how brilliant they are. And, of course, I'm certainly open to suggestions. Although, let's be honest here . . . these are pretty tough to top.

  • Your attention everyone. Let's get down to business, so we can hurry up and get to the business of getting down.

  • Hello, my name is Matt Norman. That's right . . . the . . . Matt Norman.

  • Before we get started, I have an announcment from the staff. There's a fantastically expensive Lamborghini outside with the lights on. Will the owner please raise his or her hand. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's mine. I am incredibly f*cking wealthy.

  • I'd like to begin with a moment of silence in honor of my good friend Bea Arthur. I'll never forget that night in Vegas, baby girl.

  • I'm honored to be here in Austin on such a wonderful day. I hear Lance Armstrong lives in Austin. Did you know he only has one testicle? Pretty amazing, huh?

  • Hi, I'm Matt Norman. Please refrain from using flash photography during my toast. But don't worry, my very expensive publicist will be in the back selling signed headshots for $9.99.

  • I'd like to begin with a quote on love and marriage from my favorite poet, Snoop Doggy Dogg.

  • Good evening everyone. Before I get started, let me just answer the three questions that all the ladies in the room just asked themselves. Boxer briefs. Yes, I am married. And no, you cannot see my dragon tattoo.

Congratulations Keith and Amy!

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