We're All Damaged

Friday, May 8, 2009

Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat and Drunk?

As many of my dozens and dozens of readers around the world may already know, my wife and I are expecting our first baby. Along with all the usual joy and excitement, the miracle of pregnancy has brought with it a number of physical changes. For both of us. But mainly for me.

For those of you who’ve never experienced pregnancy, the first few months need to be top secret. Back in the olden days, when expectant mothers bathed in vodka nightly and brushed their teeth with cigarettes, keeping things classified wasn’t all that difficult. Now though, “doctors” seem to think pregnant women need to be concerned with the “health” of their baby. So, for the first three months, this is how it went when we were out with friends:

I’d order a drink for myself and a drink for my wife. I would drink my drink, and when no one was looking, I would drink my wife’s drink, too. We would then repeat this about ten times. I now refer to this as the Drinking Stage of pregnancy. It’s a stage during which evenings were often punctuated by me tackling a hotdog vendor and/or challenging a police horse to a fist fight.

Fortunately for my central nervous system, my wife and I are on to the next stage, which I refer to as the Eating Stage of pregnancy. During this stage, my wife orders huge amounts of food, decides she doesn’t want it, and then makes me eat it because she doesn’t like being wasteful.

For example, today at lunch, after eating a perfectly reasonable-sized quesadilla, my wife decided she needed fries. What she really wanted was a handful of fries; unfortunately though, that’s not how the ordering process works in restaurants. Ten minutes later, the waiter brought a feed trough of fries to our table, of which my wife ate seven. Sweating, and weeping gently to myself, I ate the rest . I then took a nap on the sidewalk outside the restaurant.

I’m not sure what the next stage of pregnancy will be, but unless it’s the Yoga and Diet Snapple Stage, things could get rough for me. At this rate, during her ninth month of pregnancy, my wife is going to look like a tall, lovely girl shoplifting a volleyball and I’m going to look like Jabba the Hut.

Listen up gentlemen. Society says that having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world. And, it very well might be. But before you take the plunge, I want you to know exactly what you’re getting into. Just remember, it can be very taxing on your body.

Now, if you’ll excuse me; my wife just brought home a wheelbarrow full of donut holes.

1 comment:

  1. So true! My husband gained 45lbs while I was pregnant, I only gained 30!