We're All Damaged

Friday, May 29, 2009

Now You Can Hire the Awesome


People are always saying to me, “Matt Norman, you should get a job, you know, like do something with your life.” My response is always the same. “Shut up, mom. I am doing something. Now get out of my room! Jeez!”

Now that I think about it, though, my mom might actually be right. You see, since January—when I was let go from my position as propagandist aboard The Death Star—I’ve written a lot, including nearly 40 blogs on my world-famous blog, the seventh draft of my novel, and the first 15 pages of a new novel. The thing is, that kind of writing—although super awesome and totally worthwhile—doesn’t pay very much. In fact, it pays nothing. Well, less than nothing, really, if you use fancy-pants words like “opportunity costs.”

And so, as of today, I’m officially putting myself back into the job market! I know, it's pretty exciting, huh?

Do you work for a company that currently has crap that needs to be written? Do you personally have crap that needs to be written, but you’d rather drive a rusty spike through your eye than write that crap? Are you functionally illiterate, and, therefore, incapable of writing your own crap? Well, look no further, because the solution to your problem is right here, and its name is Matt Norman.

Believe it or not, I have a decade's worth of experience at writing crap. I can write funny crap. I can write inspirational crap. I can write crap that sounds interesting but really means very little. I can write crap with lots of important-sounding words in it, like mission-critical or value-added or right-sizing. And, perhaps best of all, I can write crap that effectively scares and/or coerces people into buying things they probably don't need. Here’s an example from my portfolio:

Seriously, if you don’t buy this crappy product, you’re going to be so screwed. Your wife will probably leave you, and, let’s face it, you don’t have the skills to find a new wife. Am I right, or am I right, you paunchy bastard?

Along with my obvious acumen* at the writing of crap, I’m also delightful to have around an office. First of all, I’m tall, which is nice for getting files and such from top shelves. Secondly, I’ve never been convicted of any serious crimes, which will make your HR people happy. And, lastly, and more specifically, I possess just the right blend of sarcasm and subtle disinterest that any high-functioning business team needs to reach its true potential.

I mean, seriously, can your company afford not to hire me? I don’t think so.

Oh, and, did I mention that I’d like to work at home as much as possible? And, if I’m being totally honest, I really hardly ever do anything constructive on Fridays, so it’s probably best if we work out a Monday-through-Thursday thing. But, you know, our people can discuss all that later. I prefer to keep things high-level. Call me!

*This is just one small example of the important-sounding words you can expect when you hire Matt Norman to write your crap.

4 comments:

  1. You really were good for reaching those files . . .

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  2. I hear video resumes are all the rage now among our younger, sexier, more desperate (if possible) counterparts. Considering that you often cite your fantastically good looks as one of your best traits, I think a video resume would be perfect for you. You could make that face you think is sexy, and you could actually *show* how high you can reach. You could even do some artsy zoom-in of Kate's pregnant belly to show employers just how important it is that you get a job.

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  3. I would add P.M.A. to your resume (Positive Mental Attitude).

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  4. I heard they served bitters a lot in England... but jeez.

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