We're All Damaged

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Things We Blog About When We Blog About Nothing

Hmmm . . . I haven’t blogged a blog on my blog since Saturday. That’s no good. You know, if you want people to keep coming back, you really have to give them something to read. There’s a lot of competition out there for their attention: Perez, puppy cams, YouTube, that one site where that dude swears at cute animals, and, of course, porn.

My God, it’s a friggin' miracle anyone even bothers to read your site in the first place. I mean, what’s it even about anyway? That was your first mistake; you really should have made your blog about something. You need a theme. I don’t know, celebrities getting out of limos in skirts, whatever. Does it really matter?

OK, so, what’s going on with me? Hmmm . . . sadly, I’ve got nothing. I could write about my dog, I guess. He kicked me out of the bed this morning, and then looked at me in this funny way, like he was saying, “That’s right, suck it.” Or how about the other day when I was walking him in the park and he literally tried to steal candy from a baby? I guess that was kind of ironic. Actually, I’m not even really sure what ironic means. But, then again, do you really want to be the guy who blogs about his dog all the time? How interesting is that?

There’s always my go-to thing: blogging about how awesome I am. I mean, I am pretty awesome, especially when I’m wearing these jeans, which are far and away my most awesome jeans. Nah, that’s not a good idea. I mean, a dude can only talk about his own devastating cheek bones and wavy, angelic hair so much before people start to suspect he might be overcompensating for something. Which you’re totally not, by the way!

Your old company was pretty $hitty. Man, that was a God-awful, Death Star of a place, wasn’t it? But, you’ve kinda beaten that into the ground, huh?

Your wife is pregnant. In like five months you’re going to have a daughter, and you’re terrified because you’re jobless and have the intellect of a 15-year-old (with great hair), and anyone who knows you knows that you’re in no way qualified to be 50% responsible for the well-being of another human being—especially a girl human being. Maybe you could write about her ultrasound, and how she was this adorable miniature alien-looking thingy and how she kept clutching her little fists like she was waving at you while you stood there with your mouth open like some kind of an idiot. No. None of that is funny. That was your second mistake: trying to make everything so damn funny. Some things just aren’t funny, dude. You’re going to have to learn to deal with that.

Well, I guess you’ve got nothing, man. Too bad. Hmmm . . . is it too early for tequila shooters? Ummm . . . how about never.

1 comment:

  1. Matt Norman's Future DaughterMay 7, 2009 at 10:05 PM

    Oh crap! I'm doomed!