We're All Damaged

Friday, May 22, 2009

Yellow Lab Goes on Murderous Rampage in Park

My dog and I just returned from Hyde Park, and a strange thing happened there. We were walking along, enjoying the rare sunshine, sniffing trees and trying to think of good opening scenes for novels, when my dog noticed a large group of Middle Eastern children and their mothers picnicking in the grass.

As he often does when he sees strangers eating, he trotted over to see if perhaps they might want to give him some of their food or, at the very least, throw his tennis ball for him over and over again so he can repeatedly fetch it until the end of time.

I thought nothing of it. Most people welcome my dog, often making complete fools of themselves by rolling around on the ground and telling him in baby voices how adorable he is. And so, as you can imagine, I was a little surprised when the dozen or so children and women leapt to their feet and started screaming and running in every conceivable direction. It was as if he weren’t a smiling yellow lab at all, but the prop snake from that movie Anaconda, and instead of a tennis ball in his mouth, he held a severed human head.

As the crying children hid behind trees and the panic-stricken mothers prayed in their exotic language, my dog looked back at me, a little confused, and then, like any innocent man would, he stole what appeared to be a piece of cheese naan and walked away.

Now, I understand that not everyone loves dogs, and some cultures are grossed out at the idea of sharing a bed with them or kissing them on the mouth or buying them designer t-shirts. But, to run in fear—in absolute terror—from a yellow lab? Really? This isn't Cujo here, people, my dog is a breed that is often featured nuzzling babies in toilet paper commercials and seen guiding the blind through traffic.

As a tall, white, male, heterosexual, sort-of-Catholic from the very middle of the middle of the United States, I’m the first to admit that I’m no expert at diversity or the many cultural customs and beliefs in this world. So, if there’s anyone out there who might know why those poor women and children were so terrified of my dog and me, please let me know. I would certainly like for a scene like this one never to happen again.

Oh, and I’d also love a good recipe for cheese naan. That stuff is great.

Have a good weekend everyone!


  1. a;dsh asfaohfaldnoaohfasjfasashfaishfa

  2. HAHA.

    "...or, at the very least, throw his tennis ball for him over and over again so he can repeatedly fetch it until the end of time."

    It's so true. It's never, ever old for them.

  3. They watched Marley and Me and were terrified that they would get too attached and after the subsequent canine fatality that is just expected when one loves a dog, the painful stab of bereavement would render them insane and they would collectively draw swords from under their robes and run in to them yelling YAMAYAMAYAMAYAMAYAMA! Like in the films and stuff...

    Or maybe they were just pussies... pussies don't like puppies- check Out Warner Brothers if you don't believe...

    ~Nate (professor of Middle Esstern Studies, Yale)

  4. Look online for information regarding Islam and dogs.