We're All Damaged

Monday, June 15, 2009

Airport Chatter

Due to a series of strange events that I don't want to talk about specifically or I'll start crying, I spent 14 consecutive hours in the Atlanta airport last week. It was as awful and as lonely as you can imagine, as I drifted from concourse to concourse carrying my luggage and leafing through dreadful books by people like James Patterson and Danielle Steele.

Along the way, after four hours or so, I gave up trying to entertain myself constructively and began simply staring at people and eavesdropping on whatever it was they were saying. Some people are happy in airports; they're on their way somewhere fun and warm. Others are sad; they've left someone behind or are heading somewhere crappy, probably for some job they hate. But most people are simply annoyed, pissy under the sheer weight of the unGodly number of hours they have to wait until they get to leave.

Here are some pieces of some of the conversations I listened to. I jotted them down in a notebook that I keep with me. This notebook is meant for novel and/or short story ideas, but I use it mostly for doodling pictures of cartoon birds.
  • "$hit, I don't care. Do you want to eat at Chili's or do you want to eat at . . . umm . . . whatever that f*cking place is over there."

  • "Did you hear how loud that guy was breathing? He should get those strips that the football guys wear on their noses."
  • "People keep talking about socialism. Is that, like, the Russians?"
  • "How about instead of a $7-food voucher you give me the last five hours of my life back?"
  • (Man talking on cell phone in line at Starbucks) "He chewed what? Oh Christ."
  • "Hey, dude. Do these vouchers work for beer? Please say yes."
  • "Are you kidding me. I could have ridden a f*cking camel to Newark by now."
  • "Mommy, I did a poopy. It's a bad one."
  • "If you look at Obama's ears too long, you'll never be able to take him seriously again. For real."
  • "Yeah. Supersize. The really big one. And one of those pie things. And can I get a Diet Coke, too?"
  • (Exchange between two teenaged girls, one of whom was reading an US Weekly) "This Kate chick sounds like a real ho' bag." "Well, you'd be a ho' bag too if eight babies came out of your va-jay."


  1. "How about instead of a $7-food voucher you give me the last five hours of my life back?"

    So, so great.

  2. Classic. The Obama comment is hysterical.

  3. HAHA. This is awesome. Evesdropping is the best.