We're All Damaged

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Is That a Snake Eating You Alive or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

I read an article in the New Yorker yesterday that so thoroughly scared the holy sh*t out of me that I have just now, some 22 hours later, stopped screaming.

The author, Burkhard Bilger, revealed that the state of Florida is presently on the verge of being overrun by Burmese pythons, animals who—ohmyfreakinggodly—can be as large as 20 feet long. What’s worse, these slithery bastards are currently multiplying at unprecedented, NBA-player levels. And, when global warming is taken into consideration, along with snakes’ ability to travel, by the year 2100 there could be pythons as large as your most unholy nightmares living as far north as Manhattan.

Did you people not hear what I just said? Because if you haven’t leapt from your chair and begun wildly flailing your arms, then clearly you didn’t. I mean, seriously, I just reread these first two paragraphs and had to give myself a horse tranquilizer.

You mean to tell me that for the last year we’ve had to listen to people talking about the stock market and the auto industry and pig flu, and all the while snakes the size of studio apartments have been giving birth to baby snakes and are now slithering toward my house to do their evil bidding and to try to eat my dog?

Why isn’t the president giving nightly press conferences on this? Why doesn’t Fox News have a graphic yet? Why hasn’t Jack Bauer gotten involved? And, most importantly, why am I just f*cking hearing about this now?! Thanks a lot, liberal media!

As successful as the article was at making me sh*t my pants, it was not successful, however, at offering any solutions for how to solve this problem. And so, yet again, it is up to The Norman Nation to come to the rescue. This morning, my staff and I—minus the interns, who I’ve tasked with de-snaking my beach house—devised a three-pronged plan for how to defeat these snake terrorists and preserve America as we know it.

  1. Build a Giant Snake-Proof Wall
    I’m not 100% sure which states border Florida, but The Norman Nation proposes that we build a 100-foot wall between those states and Florida. Atop that wall we will post Army men and we will arm them with laser guns.

  2. Remove Florida
    Once this wall is completed, which we estimate will take like five or six days, the U.S. government will use dynamite to literally detach Florida from the continental United States. Florida would then drift off into the ocean, sort of like that pirate ship at the end of The Goonies, which I think we can all agree is an awesome movie.

  3. Blow Up Florida
    Once it is far enough away, the government will shoot nuclear missiles at Florida until it and its new civilization of snake monsters are thoroughly blown up. To be safe, the water where the floating Florida once was will then be blown up, too.

Is this plan aggressive? Yes. Does it wildly overstep any and all rules of government authority? Perhaps. However, as we all know, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I can’t think of anything more desperate than being chased down the street by a pack of man-eating snakes. Can you?

And besides, let’s be honest, aside from Epcot Center, are we really going to miss Florida all that much? I await your call, Mr. President. But please, don’t call too early. I’ve recently taken a horse tranquilizer.


  1. TNC actually has a pyjton patrol that trains people to go around and safely remove pythons in Florida. No joke.

  2. I don't know where you have been Matt Norman!!! I heard about this over a year ago, in fact the have been migrating up from the keys for a while now. Something about some natural barrier or preditor ha been eliminated...yada yada yada...

  3. I would not miss God's waiting room if you elected to blow it up...

  4. You are hands down THE funniest blogger I have stumbled upon by accident- ever... that's actually quite a compliment because I work at what I actually think may be a satellite office of The Death Star and often drift away from my work as a technical copywriter on the safe and random floatie that is The Internet.

    I was Googling an old friend and came across your site. You are not MY Matt Norman but you are in many ways BETTER- Matt 2.0 if you will and I am now a devoted reader- as are my fellow keyboard drones. You have given us something wonderful to do until we stagger out of our striplit, B12 starved filing cabinet in to the sunlight like freed POWs. Thank you, Mr Norman... thank you...

  5. Thanks for reading, Anonymous! Glad you like the blogs that I blog on my blog.

  6. Wow, Matt, it's like you're famous! Fan mail!