We're All Damaged

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

15 Things You Should Never Say During a Job Interview

I recently met with our Senior VP of Current Events – her name is Tiffani – and she informed me that we’re presently in the middle of what experts are calling a “global financial clusterf*ck.” Well, at The Norman Nation, we’re about more than just being super funny and fantastically good-looking. We’re also about helping people, especially pathetic people who are unemployed.

That’s why I’ve put together a list to help those among you who are currently in search of a job. Regardless of how confident you feel or how much you’ve been drinking, it is very important that you do not say any of the following during an interview.

1. Convicted? No, no, definitely never convicted.

2. Hmmm. I’d say incompetence. Or prostitutes. It depends; do you mean my biggest personal or professional weakness?

3. I don’t smoke; however, five or six times a day I do enjoy a “scotch” break.

4. So, when’s startin’ time around here? Because Live with Regis and Kelly usually runs until about 11.

5. I need you to be very specific here, OK? I’m talking word-for-word. What is your company’s policy on sexual harassment?

6. What? Spell check. They have that now?

7. Technically, it’s called sensual massage. It’s very relaxing. Here, turn around.

8. That’s right; the Church of Lady Gaga. I’m a high priest.

9. OK, so, what size bra do you wear?

10. University of . . . Something or Other. I don’t know. What does my resume say again?

11. Granted, I was drunk, but she looked a hell of a lot older than that! High-five.

12. Tuna fish. Every day. Yeah, I usually just heat it up in the community microwave in the employee lounge.

13. That’s so cute. They give girls their own computers and desks now. It’s like they’re real employees.

14. Do the cubes here have privacy doors? Because let’s just say daddy likes to “streamline some processes” around 3 p.m. every day. If you know what I mean.

15. And then I said . . . liquor? Are you kidding? I don’t even know her!


  1. "Because let's just say daddy likes to 'streamline some processes' around 3 p.m. every day." We always suspected that's what "Dr. Pepper Time" meant.

    Great post.

  2. Thanks for making me laugh while at my soul crushing "job".

  3. I would also add: There aren't any elementary schools with 1,000 feet of the office building, are there? Otherwise, the state may require that I telecommute.

  4. It's also good to avoid the "c" word, even if you're quoting someone else.

  5. Another tip: picturing your interviewer in his or her underwear may help you relax, but don't tell them that's what you're up to.

  6. LOLOLOL!!!

    How about, "will I have to come in to the office or can I work from home because my lawyer says I'll probably get the leg tag option next week which is a win win for both of us, am I right or am I right... am I RIGHT???"

    Or just re-enact the scene from Fight Club where Durden beats himself up when they give you the "ummm... no" face at the end of the interview...

    Too funny, Matt!

  7. Roland just got a job in London - and a bit in Germany and a bit in America, but we're not sure what bit. We figured the US was sort of like Wales but a bit farther away? Does it matter? Anyway, despite his best efforts he is going back to work in a week and he has a long 'list' of things to achieve before then. Lots of love from England, Millie and Roland xxx

  8. Love it! I had one myself - a female candidate i was interviewing - she seemed intelligent and nice and I was 90% certain she would get the job and then I asked her why she was leaving her last job. "I didn't get on with my boss." She replied. "I just can't work with women." As a woman that pretty much ended the interview for me there and then.