We're All Damaged

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Chimp to Join Cast of Fox’s 24

As usual, Fox has been pretty tight-lipped about the upcoming season of 24. However, I was fortunate enough recently to sit down with the show’s co-creator Robert Cochran on The Norman Nation’s official yacht somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Cochran revealed the addition of the new character, which promises to make this season unlike any other.

As fans well know, Special Agent Jack Bauer has a tendency to go rogue, and his relationship with fellow agents is often strained. That will all be exacerbated during January’s season opener when he meets his new partner: a CTU-trained bomb-detecting monkey by the name of Mr. Boom-Boom.

When asked about the controversial creative decision, Cochran, who was sitting in a bathtub full of money at the time, couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m not gonna lie; we were starting to run out of ideas,” he admitted. “Then, one night, Keifer Sutherland called me with a revelation. Apparently he’d attended some fundraiser at the Bronx Zoo and gotten into a fist fight with a chimpanzee over some food pellets. As he was beating the animal into submission with a cappuccino machine, he said it all just clicked. I was like, ‘$hit, why not, man?’”

The plot, which, as usual, will run in real-time over 24 episodes, centers on an evil conglomerate of vaguely Middle Eastern terrorists with indistinguishable accents who are trying to blow up pet stores around Washington DC for no apparent reason. Over the course of the season, Jack and Mr. Boom-Boom will grow closer and closer. Finally, after teaming up to defeat a group of Muslim extremists in a karate fight, the two will become something more akin to brothers than just mere partners.

Cochran said he preferred to avoid specifics, but he hinted at several enticing tid-bits, including a CTU motorcycle with a sidecar for Mr. Boom-Boom, Jack screaming “Do you have any idea what I’m capable of?” and a dual interrogation technique featuring head-butting and feces throwing.

“I’m really not all that worried about ratings,” said Cochran as he lit a roll of hundred dollar bills on fire and threw it at his assistant. “The show has never made any more than a little bit of sense, and people still keep watching. Combine that with a monkey in sunglasses who’s skilled at hand-to-hand combat? $hit. We’ll be driving diamond-plated Lamborghinis by episode five. Holla!”


  1. Blame Jack Bauer's strained relationships on his tendency to stop in the middle of a fistfight to "go rouge."

    "Hold up guys, my cheeks are losing their supple red glow!" as he pulls out his Maybeline case.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Thanks, Anonymous, for pointing out my stupid typo, and, more importantly, for doing so with some flair. I need to hire an editor. Or at least an intern who graduated from high school. Error corrected.

  4. Bloody Hilarious!! And yet strangely not as shocking as it should be- did you SEE the "Death Ring" plot on Prison Break? Fox are bad to the bone but we just keep coming back...

    I know I would much prefer to watch your monkey plot than American Idol anyday!!


  5. No problem MN. I'm confident you'll repay me by mentioning me in the credits of your next multi-national best-selling novel. "For Anonymous," on the dedication page will work just fine.

    Ohhh...you mean "rogue" like the hot chick from X-Men!