I have managed to avoid being called to jury duty now for nearly 33 years. I have done this by drifting around the world, avoiding gainful employment and frequently changing my name. My friend Wes -- who, like me, is both awesome and currently living in Baltimore -- has not been so lucky. He was informed yesterday that he’ll be a juror for two full weeks.
When I heard this, I couldn’t help but laugh, because this is typically how men react to their friends’ misfortune. But then I got nervous. If this could happen to Wes, then surely it could happen to me, too, right?
Therefore, I’ve come up with a list of possible ways to avoid being selected if the judicial system ever happens to discover that I exist. I now share it with you, my loyal, civic-duty-avoiding fans.
1. Arrive wearing a “What Would Michael Vick Do” T-shirt. And nothing else.
2. Tell the foreman that you need a five-minute break in order to “badger your witness” in the restroom. The use of “air quotes” here is essential.
3. Tell those in charge that you’re a convicted felon. If they don’t believe you, commit a felony right there in the courthouse. I’m thinking something harmless, like money laundering or mail fraud.
4. Repeatedly ask when Batman will be arriving.
5. Tell them that you haven’t committed to a stance on the death penalty, but that the little man who lives in your underpants believes in the swiftest, most severe punishments possible.
6. Describe your philosophy on constitutional interpretation as “Jack Bauer-esque.”
7. Inform the judge that he or she is guilty . . . of making you touch yourself.
8. Find the oldest person in the room, wink, and then loudly ask them if they’d like to come back to your place and treat you like a hostile witness.
9. When asked to state your occupation, tell them that you’re “a private dancer, a dancer for money.”
10. Regardless of the specifics of the case, bring a doll with you and repeatedly ask both the plaintiff and the defended to show you where the bad man touched them.