We're All Damaged

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Am So Rich

I’ve got some big news. This morning I was sifting through the hundreds and hundreds of e-mails I receive on a daily basis at thenormannation@gmail.com from my many, many fans. There was the typical stuff—requests for personal appearances, poems about my hair, more underwear pictures from Natalie Portman. But then something unusual caught my eye; it was an e-mail from something called THE BIG LOTTO TEAM.

You won’t believe it. Turns out I’ve won a million dollars!

I know! I’m as shocked as you are, especially considering I don’t even remember entering “an exclusive Internet lottery competition.” No matter, it’s right there in my inbox, in black and white—“Congratulations, Matt Norman! You’re the winner!” Not “a” winner, but “the” winner. I must be the only one!

I called the wife and told her to quit her job, which, of course, she did immediately. Then I called the company that just hired me—the place I haven’t even started working for yet—and told them I wouldn’t be there on Monday. I mean, seriously, when you’ve got this kind of money, jobs are for suckers, right?

When the wife got home, we had some bourbon and watched Live with Regis and Kelly, and then I said what anyone would say in my position. “OK, honey, where should we go first? The Lamborghini store, the big gold chain store or the fur coat store?”

She was pretty excited, but, she’s kind of a pragmatist, so I could see those wheels turning. “Are you sure this is legitimate, Matt Norman?” she asked. “I told my boss to shove it, and then I slapped the head of HR across the face. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Sweety, are you kidding?” I said. “Just look at this e-mail. It’s fool-proof. See how it says “winner” and “one million dollars?” All I need to do is send them my credit card and social security numbers and we’re good to go!”

I guess that did the trick, because she gave me a big hug and said, “Well, in that case, it’s Miller time!” Let me tell you, if you’ve never watched an eight-month pregnant woman shotgun a 40-ounce can of beer, well . . . my friend, you haven’t lived.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go call all of our friends and tell them that we’re now way to rich to hang out with them. Ha. They’re such losers.

1 comment:

  1. If the money is coming via Nnanguck Tnucka from Nigeria, can you ask him to answer my emails. I never got the money transfer and I'm worried about my exhiled third cousin 22 times removed.