We're All Damaged

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Reversal

For most of 2009, I’ve been a drain on society and, more importantly, my wife. A sexy drain, one with hair that can only be described as angelic, but, a drain nonetheless. Every morning, she would go off to work and I would wander unshaven around the house watching daytime television and having long conversations with the dog.

Recently though, something truly unexpected happened. Two things, actually. One, I got a job. And two, she went on bed rest.

Most men—better men—would be supportive in a situation like ours. I, however, have handled it smugly and with a great deal of sarcasm. This morning, which was my third day of work, my alarm went off and I made a big show of turning it off and climbing out of bed. I was playing the part of a beleaguered breadwinner, weary from many, many years of working for the man.

“Wow,” I said. “It sure is early.”

I could tell my wife was awake, but she was choosing not to acknowledge me. This is her right, I suppose. It should be noted, though, that when I wasn’t working, I at least pretended to wake up when she did. I would even smile, occasionally.

“I tell you what, baby,” I continued, flipping on my reading light. “I’m gonna go for a quick run, then I’m gonna take a shower. After that I’ll eat a light breakfast, then I’m gonna go to my job—the place where I work—for like nine hours or so.”

She sighed, shuffling a little. People do this, I’ve found, when pretending to sleep.

“What are you gonna do?” I asked. “Oh, that’s right; I forgot. You’re gonna lay around in your pajamas all day. Well, say hi to Judge Judy for me. I’ve got some bacon to bring home.”

I turned off the light, and the room was dark again. But before I could leave, I heard her voice, sleepy from behind me. “You’re an idiot,” she said.

We like to joke with each other, my wife and I. What she meant to say, of course, was, “You’re a gainfully employed idiot. And your hair looks terrific.”




  1. Ha ha you were lucky she was sleepy or she might have whacked you! Funny post!

    Kate x

  2. Glad you got the job, Matt. Enjoy the pre-baby time!