We're All Damaged

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Give the Gift of Matt Norman

People are always saying to me, “Wow, Matt Norman, 101 followers! Your blog is a runaway freight train of success. And your arms look great lately, too. Have you been taking supplements?” And my response is always the same: “Seriously, Natalie Portman. You have 10 seconds to get out of my garage or I’m unleashing my matching Dobermans.”

You see, normally I don’t pay any attention to how many followers I have. Like my charity work, The Norman Nation is selfless; it’s something I do simply to make the world a better place. But Natalie, before the police took her away, got me thinking. I have to admit it, achieving and surpassing 100 followers is pretty nice, and it’s definitely gone a long way toward filling the many, many voids that I so desperately try to fill with harmful, often illegal substances.

For example, did you know that my mother and father refused to hold me until I was 15 years old? And even then they did so with little enthusiasm. Just wait until my soon-to-be-published autobiography hits the shelves this Spring. It is tentatively titled Why Won’t You Hold Me, Mummy and Pop-Pop: The Matt Norman Story.

With more than 100 followers, it’s safe to say that The Norman Nation is finally legitimate, and so I’d like to officially give all of you permission to use it to brighten some lives this holiday season. If you find yourself stumped for a good last-minute holiday gift for the highly literate yet socially inept friend on your list, forward them a link to my site. The Norman Nation is truly the gift that keeps on giving. And best of all, it’s free.

A free gift with little-to-no tangible value?! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he’s been drinking again.

Special thanks to my 100th and 101st followers, Kaitlyn Burke and Catherine Newberry. I don’t know either of you, but let me take this opportunity to pre-emptively apologize for wasting so much of your time.



  1. What's your return policy? Do I need a receipt?

  2. I've already re-gifted The Norman Nation twice!

  3. The Norman Nation was better before it got all commercial. 'Tis the season, I suppose. Boo.

  4. I dont know you either but you are especially welcome :)