Lately, people have been e-mailing me and saying, "What's the deal, Matt Norman? Why haven't you been blogging? Haven't you been watching the news? Don't you know that this country is in turmoil? Don't leave us now. We need you too much! By the way, those new jeans are fantastic. They make your backyard look like two scoops of ice cream."
My reply is always the same. "Don't make me put you in my junk folder, Natalie Portman. And will you please stop harassing my wife at the grocery store?"
The truth is, though, Natalie is right. Lately, my blogging has become far less frequent. Many of you might think that it's because of all of my charity work, or perhaps the stresses of fatherhood and employment have taken there toll. Well, I'm here to tell you that my hiatus has been completely intentional.
You see, several weeks ago, when famed author J.D. Salinger passed away, I started thinking about literary fame. Salinger wrote some pretty awesome things like 50 years ago, and then vanished from the face of the earth. One would assume that not publishing a word and living like the Uni-Bomber would be bad for a writer's career. Well, not so with Salinger. In fact, it helped him to become a legend, uniting book nerds and lunatics everywhere.
So, in a nutshell, here's my plan. Don't write, stop following society's basic principles regarding hygiene, and then begin cashing enormous checks and being famous. For those of you who are saddened by this, well, I don't blame you. My advice, though, is that you dig up some of the older blogs on my blog, read them over and over again, and obsess over what it is that they could possibly mean.
I should be going now. I have a manifesto to write and then bury in my backyard where the robots won't be able to find it. Holla!