We're All Damaged

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Greatest Name in the History of Human Civilization


Today at the office I was making miracles happen and giving 110% like I always do on Fridays. But then, around 2 p.m., my wife e-mailed me and informed me that she’d just dealt with a woman by the name of Kitty Vroom. As you can imagine, this ended my productivity for a while.

I’ve been alive for a long time now, and I’ve come across some memorable names. I once met a woman shortly after college named Candy Balls. There’s also an urban legend out there about a Major in the United States Army named Richard Head who goes by Major Dick Head. But no name thus far has been as jaw-droppingly awesome as Kitty Vroom. In fact, Vroom itself is so awesome that Kitty, frankly, seems almost unnecessary—self indulgent even.

I don’t know Ms. Vroom, and I doubt I ever will, but I’m almost certain that she’s not taking full advantage of the awesomeness that is her surname. My whole life I’ve been burdened with the blandness of Norman. Norman is like a pair of old khaki pants or an accountant: necessary, generally speaking, but pretty forgettable and kind of dead inside. Does Kitty know that there are people out there—good-looking people with fantastic hair and world-famous blogs—who would literally pay a million dollars to have been born with the last name Vroom? I doubt it.

Here’s just a sampling of some of the things I’d be able to say if my name was Matthew Vroom.

“Good evening, ladies. I’m Matthew Vroom. How about we get rid of all these silly clothes and go take a ride in my Lamborghini?”

“Hi, Matthew Vroom here. I’m a stuntman/torso model mostly, but I also do some tiger wrestling.”

“Well, officer, my name is Matthew Vroom. I think we can both agree that this scenario was inevitable.”

I would never again simply enter a room. People with normal names enter rooms. Instead, I’d somersault into rooms. I'd attach a small radio to my clothing that played “Unskinny Bop” by Poison on a 24-hour loop. I'd wear a crash helmet all the time, even while showering. It’d be a necessity, really. I mean, with a name like Matthew Vroom, who knows what kind of shit would go down? I'd have leather pants, obviously. If ever I was in a waiting room and someone said, “Is Matthew Vroom here?,” I’d stand up and say “F*ck yeah, Matthew Vroom is here.” And then I’d make everyone in the building give me a knuckle bump. I would wear shiny shirts and those suckers would be one size too small. I’d constantly interrupt people while they were talking and say, “Matthew Vroom is getting bored,” and then I’d slap the ass of the closest female and do the running man out of the room.

In short, I would be the most awesome human being on earth. What about you, The Norman Nation? What would you do if you your last name was Vroom?

14 comments:

  1. I'd just blast off to the moon.

    Signed,

    Uncle Johnny Vroom

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  2. Last name first, Vroom Matt, kind like a launch pad.

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  3. I lived it and I owned it!

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  4. I think i'd have to wear a straightjacket, I'd be so f*ing excited.

    I love researching awesome names. I've done it on the internal phone book at work sometimes. Velveeta Battle was the best one I found. And Gayzella White.

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  5. Velveeta Battle?! Hell yeah.

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  6. Lux Unitt used to work in a cubicle on the other side of the floor from me. When I saw the name plate I thought, "I have got to see what a Lux Unitt looks like." I mean, you have to be pretty cool to carry that off. The middle-aged woman from Taiwan was not what I was expecting, but she does have a pretty killer "James Bond"-esque name.

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  7. I have a sales manager at work called, 'Eldridge Bravo'. He's a white toothed, True Religion Jean wearing smoothtongue and i wonder how much of that had to do with his name. Nature/ Nurture?

    Alls I know is Kitty Vroom and Eldridge Bravo need to meet... but then the gates will open and Zool will come out. maybe not...

    ~Nate.

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  8. Hmmm--this is very interesting. My name is also Kitty Vroom. I've been suffering under the possible illusion that I am the only Kitty Vroom in the world--but that bubble is now burst. Unless, by some chance, I am the Kitty Vroom noted in the article. Now I rack my brain trying to figure out who I was in contact with on Friday, March 26--was there someone named Ms. Norman? Am I THE Kitty Vroom? How many Kitty Vroom's are there in the world? Should we start a club or something?

    Ah, but Norman says that the "Kitty" part of Kitty Vroom is indulgent--so on to what it is like to be a Vroom. It is indeed awesome! I always get a secret pleasure when I say my last name (even though I only acquired it through marriage) and often spell it when giving it over the phone, V-R-O-O-M, and then I say, like the cars that go fast--VROOM VROOM. People often get a kick out of that and we share a laugh. So I've done my part to bring cheer and humor to the world.

    Indeed, Kitty Vroom is an awesome name--and may I add, quite an exceptional person.

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  9. Hi Nate, and "Hello Kitty", (no pun intended).

    I'm honored Nate that you thought of me for the topic of this blog post. Mine is a unique name at least to me, my dad and dearly departed grandfather. In my half century of life I have only met a small handful of people with Eldridge as a first name. I've seen other people with the last name Bravo, but never heard of another person with the exact combination of first and last name as mine. Having a specific name this rare is both a blessing and curse. People either never remember it, or sometimes never forget it and you wish they would haha! It has served me well over the years, although when I was young I would have been happier with something more common, now I like it for what I have learned about it. I have carefully researched my name through 12 generations of Bravos before me and it is a name I try to live up to and teach my children to respect. After all, a person's name is the most personal element of their identity.

    So Nate W-McG. I wish you well in your new endeavor, sorry I didn't get to say goodbye before you left. Peace to you and yours in this journey through life. Hope it holds only the best for you.

    ...and Kitty, you have an incredibly cool last name! You wear it well.

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  10. Haha my name really is Matthew Vroom

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  11. Haha my name really is Matthew Vroom

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  12. My last name is Vroom. It's my married name. People always comment on it and no one forgets it. We named our son Jack. We thought Jack Vroom, PI, sounded cool.

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