Friday, December 31, 2010
A New Year’s Message from The Norman Nation
Every year on this day, I send my assistants home early with their meager end-of-the-year bonuses and sit down with a nice box of wine from the gas station and write out my New Year’s resolutions.
This year’s list, composed on biodegradable paper with a pencil whittled from the bark of a mighty oak tree felled by a freak lightening storm atop a mountain, is now complete and has been certified by my neighbor Edna who claims to be a notary public. In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that I have no idea what a notary public is or does.
1. In 2011, I will drink a lot more than I did in 2010. I think that having an alcoholic father will add some much-needed flavor to my daughter’s personal narrative.
2. In 2011, I will continue to exercise half-heartedly and infrequently. I think all of those vampire movies have taught us that people with visible abdominal muscles simply cannot be trusted.
3. In 2011, I will read less. I think we can all agree that books are pretty much just for flag-burning elitists and people who are or might be gay.
4. In 2011, I will use the phrase “Rectum? It damn near killed him!” during an important business meeting.
5. In 2011, I will call my parents less. Let’s be honest, what have they done for me lately? Am I right, or am I right?
6. In 2011, I will watch an ungodly amount of reality television and not even pretend to be doing it ironically.
7. In 2011, I will write far less often. Now that I’ve sold a novel, it’s time to get one of those highly publicized, life-ruining downward spirals up and running.
8. In 2011, I will become extremely famous and unbearable to be around.
9. In 2011, I will say “It’s pretty complicated, you probably wouldn’t understand,” as often as possible. I believe that people appreciate being reminded of their intellectual shortcomings.
10. And finally, in 2011, I will continue to turn helplessly to my wife with a terrified expression on my face whenever math, map-reading, or general day-to-day problem solving is required.
Do you have New Year’s resolutions? Are they better than mine? Why do you constantly feel the need to compare yourself to me? Share them now at the official The Norman Nation Comment Box.
Happy New Year!