Monday, January 24, 2011
It’s An Essay About…Something
I spoke with my editor this week, and she told me that when my novel is published this Fall, it’ll include a “P.S.” section with a Q&A, an extended bio, and an essay that will be written by…apparently…me.
“The hell it will!” I screamed. But then I remembered that I’ve already spent my entire advance on fur coats, a life-sized portrait of myself sitting atop a horse, and an array of pink diamonds for the misses. So, I pretty much have to do whatever they say.
When I asked what the essay should be about, things got alarmingly vague. She told me that other writers have written about their inspiration, their writing process, the difficulties of publishing a first novel, an analysis of a particular theme, or… “anything really.”
It’s the “anything really” that’s got me stumped. I realize that some writers would thrive under such complete creative freedom. I, on the other hand, am at my best when I am told exactly, step by step, what to do.
While I was getting a massage and having my roots dyed earlier today, my team of assistants and ghostwriters held a brain-storming session to develop a list of potential essay titles. Let me know if any of them sound interesting, and feel free to submit your own ideas at The Norman Nation Comment Box.
• Books: They’re Not Just for Girls
• I Think My Dog Can Read My Mind: A Case Study
• Why Seeing 15 U2 Concert is Really Cool and Not At All Sad
• I Hope All My Old Girlfriends From High School Read This Book and Feel Bad About Being So Dismissive of Me
• Killing Spiders & 100 Other Secondary Uses for This Book
• Stop Calling Me, Natalie Portman: A Collection of Drunken Voicemails
• Spoiler Alert: None of the Characters in This Book are Vampires or Girls Who Do Dangerous Things Like Kick Hornet’s Nests
• The Internet is Just a Fad: An Opinion Piece
• Why The Movie Will Probably Be Way Better
• Snookie vs. Matthew Norman: A Comparative Analysis