In the publishing industry, there are these things called “blurbs,” and they’re very important. You’ve all seen them. They’re the quotes from writers and celebrities you’ve heard of on the backs of books that say nice things about that book. The idea is that you’ll read these blurbs and say, “Well, if Danielle Steele says it’s a ‘rollercoaster ride of sexiness and edge-of-your-seat suspense’, that’s good enough for me. I’ll take nine copies please.”
The good news: my editor has received more than 100 “blurbs” for my novel, which, I’m told, is unprecedented for a first book. The bad news: well, quite frankly, some of them seem a little half-hearted. Downright mean, even.
Here are a few that I’m confident won’t be appearing on the back of the novel when it’s released in August. I’ve left out the blurbers’ names because authors and/or celebrities are a famously litigious group and my lawyers are pretty busy working on my various restraining orders.
“I’m not gonna say I loved the book. But, I did like it as a friend.”
“I didn’t actually read the novel. But my assistant’s life coach did, and she said that it wasn’t a ‘complete’ waste of time. That’s pretty good. Right?”
“As a recent Oscar-winner for my work in the film Black Swan, I know a thing or two about quality and talent. And let me tell you this, Matthew Norman has hair like an angel.”
“The book is sort of like a sandwich from a vending machine. If you’re starving to death, it’ll do, but it’s not like you actually want to eat it.”
“Well, I’ve read worse books. I guess.”
“This touching, laugh-out-loud story of Tom Violet is one of the best…wait, do we get paid to write blurbs? No? Well f*ck this then.”
“I wasn’t an English major or anything, but, aren’t books supposed to have vampires or, like, time machines and stuff? I read like 40 pages of this thing and it was just like all blah blah blah feelings feelings yada yada. No thank you.”
“I laughed. I cried. And then I got a staph infection. I can’t blame the book for that last one, but, you know, it’d be impossible to say it didn’t affect the overall experience.”
“Ha-ha. Read? Do people still do that?”
If you have a blurb for my book, leave it as a comment or email it to me at the address below and I’ll send it over to my editor right away. One thing though, it would really help if you’re famous. Or, at the very least, incredibly good-looking.