About ten years ago, a girl said something very interesting to me. I was going on about something, trying to make her and a few others laugh. She put down her drink and said, “You know, you’re always talking, but you hardly ever actually say anything.”
It was one of those abstract bits of criticism that’s so pinpoint, dead-on accurate that you’re left speechless and then, eventually, haunted. I was offended deep down somewhere, but I laughed anyway, and so did everyone else.
For a period shortly after, I remember being conscious of my yammering. Psych 101 at the University of Nebraska in 1995 was enough to teach me that my need to fill voids with words was simply an attempt to get people to like me. I kind of hated that about myself, but that’s what people do when they’re young: hate things about themselves.
Today though, I have a whole different attitude about this issue. I’m still incessantly blathering as much as ever, but thanks to technology, I’m doing able to do it more artfully and effectively than ever. And I don’t have to worry at all about whether or not my hair looks weird and/or stupid while I’m doing it.
Below is a smattering of my recent Facebook and Twitter posts. I trust that you’ll find them to be a tremendous waste of time.
- My neighbor's cat thinks it's hilarious to jump out and scare me when I'm taking out the garbage. We disagree on this issue.
- I'm going to start ending more conversations by saying "Good day" and then awkwardly walking away.
- Breaking News: Yellow saltwater taffy is gross.
- I've never been in a dance off before, but it's definitely something I'm interested in.
- I would very much like a life-sized gummy bear at my desk that I could casually snack on/cuddle with throughout the day.
- My daughter just gave Mr. Potato Head a high-five. His arm fell off.
- Some people look cool in bike helmets. I look like a tool.
- Whenever I'm in a hotel room, I think, "If I was a rock star, I'd totally wreck this place." And then I go back to quietly trying to find ESPN.
- I've eaten enough cheese dip today to dislike myself.
- I've said this before, but whenever someone says "tapas," I hear "topless." So, the wife and I are going to a topless restaurant tonight. I'm looking forward to it.
- Whenever I run in the rain I feel like I'm in a music video. Especially since I always run with my backup dancers.
- My dog's stance on eating things he finds on the street is troubling.
- Tomorrow is Friday! That's the day during which I bring most of my awesome.
- I think I'm becoming a woman. My wife just said to me, "It's really nice out, you should take a run outside." And my first thought was, "Does she think I'm fat?"
- Whenever I find myself in Whole Foods on a weekend, I'm so filled with rage that I want to scream, "You know what people, I voted for Obama, too, but I hate this f@cking place!"
- I'm fairly certain there is no fruit in the "Fruity Snacks" I just got from the vending machine.
- Be warned, Leftover Pizza I Brought for Lunch. Things are about to get ugly for you.
- Please note, I will no longer be using the word "crazy." I will instead be saying "kray kray."
- I've always been uncomfortable with the words "pulled pork."
- I'm now taking applications for a new arch nemesis. Please forward all inquiries to my assistant's assistant.
- I just did bad things to a cupcake. Don't judge me.
- I got a haircut today. So I'm all styled and a little less haggard looking. You're welcome, ladies.
- I think the fact that every household in America doesn't have a robot butler represents a major failure. I mean, isn't it like 2011?
- People have been underestimating my dance moves for years.
- Pie charts inevitably make me think of pie. Which sucks, because pie charts often pop up in situations where pie is inappropriate.